what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
