nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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