does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
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Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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