I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
