I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
