i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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