Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
