i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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