He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
