If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
this hospital has no fireball
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
