It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
