Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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