just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
