Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
