Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
