Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just want nice things and good sex
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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