I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
