some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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