It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
