I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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