my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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