girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
