I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
