Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
