im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
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The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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