What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
