just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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