I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
