My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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