If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
stop calling my apartment porn island.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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