The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
