the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
