Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
