Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
