Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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