Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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