Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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