So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
