So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Randomize
