you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
