I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
