I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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