He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
