I will die if light touches me.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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