so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
