sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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