Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
