I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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