i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
