yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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