I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
