2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
