He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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