Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
