I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
