The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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