Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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