3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
