Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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