I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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