"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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