I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
