i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.